Friday, May 30, 2003
fubar
I used to say this all the time and not even know what it meant. I finally figured it out, and fortunately it wasn't anything totally atrocious.
The Taste of Pinellas is tonight. I have no one to go with. If it comes down to it though, I'll go by myself. Last year I went with a few friends, but 2 are doing the newlywed thing, Denny, the mystery boy that C brought that had a tattoo of a dolphin on is chest has not been spotted since that night, the other 2 are moving this weekend, unpacking their apartment, and re-packing for the trip to Ukraine. Everyone else is working or someone I have zero interest in going to this thing with. Everyone doesn't get it. They'll order a full meal from one booth, eat it, get full, and be ready to go. That is so not how it works. Oh well, I'll have fun by myself. At least it isn't rainy this year. I really would like to go with C&M (the newlyweds) but I don't know if it's even cool to call them. They've been back from their honeymoon for almost a week, but i just feel like it would be rude to call. I don't know... it sucks, they weren't supposed to drop off the face of the Earth. I don't think I'll be speaking to them again until they call me... I don't want to impose.
So yeah, I'll be at Vinoy Park near the St. Pete Pier tonight. I always take myself on the coolest dates. (Note: it's only classified as a date because it's just me...gotta love lame ass disclaimers, ay?)
eta: no TOP for me, have pre-trip ish to do.
.: posted by Princess Portia 11:47 AM
Thursday, May 29, 2003
I finally kazaa-ed Adobe Photoshop, so I might do a little redecorating up in this piece...
.: posted by Princess Portia 5:12 PM
kidnap me
22 days...
Maybe it's a tad ironic that I'm saying this 4 days before I leave the country, but I feel really UN-spontaneous lately. I bet people can predict what I do, where I do it, and whom I do it with. I've been very "routine and mechanical." It's a shame too; I could be such a fun girl. I just want one of my friends (it sounds like I have a lot when I say that, huh?) to call me like "hey Portia, let's [insert zany antic] at the [insert new locale] for [insert short amount of time]. But you know what? I would probably have to work or partake in some other mundane responsible crap. This sucks. I want everyday to be a new adventure, not a rerun. What to do? Befriend crazier people? Let my inner bra-burning, earthy, wild child shine through? I don't know, but I need to do something. I'm supposed to be going to New Port Richey to see a friend's little sister in Annie. But "responsible Portia" says I should stay home and clean and pack and organize stuff for my departure. But I don't wanna! I even cooked dinner before I came to work. What am I turning into? I'm Suzy Homemaker without the home. That concern of course excludes cooking. I would cook more and make up even more recipes if I had the time, so it isn't that. It's all these attempt at planning and scheduling... synchronizing and organization. I used to be the type that could wake up at 6 a.m. and make a road trip to West Palm or somewhere... hang out for a bit, have lunch, and turn right back around and come back... make it home 3 or 4 hours later, go shopping, go home and cook something, and have a little dinner get-together. What happened? I never have company, and (this trip excluded), I haven't traveled in ages. It's official. I'm boring. Have you looked at my wishlist? I don't want anything interesting like sex toys or hell, even girly home decor stuff. I want a freaking digital rice cooker! .
Ugh.
So I am slowly but surely establishing myself as a boring ass person. Gotta love it. I'm not getting old; I'm only going to be 21! So sad... so sad.
.: posted by Princess Portia 5:11 PM
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
involuntary drama
I could stay in my bed for a month and somehow, I'll still end up in some ish. I am one of the most anti-drama people I know, yet it still never fails. I don't know what it is about me, but random stupid ish is always drawn to me.
Anyhoo...
In just a few days I'll be out of the country for almost two weeks... wow. I wonder how long it will take before I get home sick. I don't think I’ll necessarily miss Tampa... Florida even. But I will definitely miss a few people... Penelope included. (I know she doesn't classify as a person, but you know what I mean). I hope she doesn’t act strangely towards me when I return. My mom will take good care of her though. She's super-grandma. I struggle being a little over a thousand miles away from some people; this is going to be interesting...
I really need to start packing, keep trying to write out a list, but I'm getting nowhere with it. It's been so long since I flew with such strict luggage restrictions. How big can my carry-on be? And if I die in a plane crash or something, what picture will they use? If they use my passport or visa picture, I want someone to sue for slander and defamation of character. Hmm. I think I'm going to write my will before I go. Is that smart or morbid? So I've decided I want to post some cute pictures of me plus one... I don't know though. I hate to trivialize things by making them all public. Does that make sense? I think so. Maybe I should do something a little more mischievous like posting pictures of all the people referenced on my site. Yes, I have pictures of everyone. I'm a photo pack rat. If I had some extra time on my hand I wold go through all of my picture boxes and get rid of a ton of pictures, and put the keepers in photo albums. I'll do that... one day. I can't do it in June though... doing something like that around my birthday might remind me that I'm a bona fide adult. I have to turn in my tenderoni card. Do you think they'll let me keep the windbreaker? At least the baby tee? No? Darn.
So this past year (June--->June) wasn't so bad. I met some pretty cool people, learned a few things, and improved my self in some ways that were a long time coming. (Yes, I got a nose job). I didn't but seriously; I learned a lot about myself and had some great new experiences. I'm so grateful that I was able to live to see another birthday. (Hold up, I'm doing a birthday post a bit prematurely aren't I? Dang, what if I jinx myself? Lol). Ok... not cool. I'll shut up now, and finish making the point I was about to make after June 21st. But speaking of birthdays, this is the perfect opportunity to buy me something. Get a few friends together and get the rice cooker. I'm telling you, it would be wise to invest in me. When I get published you might get an acknowledgement. Oh, and if you want it to reach me by my birthday, I wouldn't recommend the super saver shipping. Thanks in advance!
I'm so sleepy. Maybe it was nightmares keeping me from having peaceful sleep; maybe it was the Olive Garden I had for lunch. (I luurve gift cards!) Either way, I'm outtie.
.: posted by Princess Portia 2:31 PM
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
hee
You know what bugs? A lot of stuff. (heh) I just wanted to save this spot for a post. It'll probably (as usual) be about random obnoxious stuff, messed up people, and bad situations. Until then, check out my wishlist and my me shit.
.: posted by Princess Portia 11:16 PM
Monday, May 26, 2003
wow
Dang, has it really been that long since I posted?
Nothing interesting besides Ukraine ropes courses occurred this weekend. I watched like 6 B-list movies, finally perfected my salsa, didn't talk to people that I wish I did (L), and just sat around. So yeah, its' official, I'm going to Ukraine. I'm hella excited, slightly nervous, and way thrilled. Back to this not talking to people thing... I'm having serious significant people withdrawal. Have I ever talked about that here? No? Oh well, I am now. This 3 day weekend was way overrated. Maybe it was just me. Mine felt somewhat incomplete. I didn't even sleep as much as I wanted to. But I did some interesting Ukraine shopping. I've been going to thrift stores to buy cute "modest" skirts and crap, I want to take as little of my everyday clothes as possible... (Per our Ukraine contact's recommendations). {How many times can I type UKRAINE in one post? Hmm.} You never know what will happen.
So it's about 10:20 Monday (feels like Sunday) night, and I don't feel so well. Physically and something else. I have one of those messed up gut feelings (I've been having them all weekend) that something just isn't right. Maybe I just need more sleep. More recreational activities. Less Time. I don't know... it's something.
Ever been really happy and completely miserable at the same time? Welcome to my world. The planets never completely align. If one thing falls into place, something else falls apart. You know what? I'm sick of these freaking depressing ass posts. I'm out.
.: posted by Princess Portia 10:32 PM
Monday, May 19, 2003
back to the hood of thangs
song: Ye Yo, Erykah Badu
Another mediocre ass Monday. I love when weeks go by quickly, but I just wish there was a way to slow things down when the weekend comes. Oh well, I think I have next Monday off. If only I can survive until then...
This weekend was quiet and way too unproductive.I got my money right, and found my ATM card that was lost for 48 hours, but that's about it. I managed to watch like three movies from HBO On Demand, which was technically on my to-do list, so I accomplished something. I still have a month until my Summer classes start... I already feel like I'm getting dumber by the day.
I'm really sick of this grey freaking mood I've been in. I don't know if it's this crap with my job, or if I've done too good a job of making myself un-excited by my birthday.
COmpletely random: I think I have Carpal Tunnel for real now. Can I get off of work for that? But no, seriously, it hurts when I type. I know I'm going to have arthiritis from all of my knuckle cracking, but so soon? No... I'm serious. It hurts. I...can't....type...anymore...
.: posted by Princess Portia 8:48 AM
Friday, May 16, 2003
Will this day ever end?
.: posted by Princess Portia 5:28 PM
song: In Due Time, OutKast
While I was sitting her sipping on flat Pepsi and downloading depressing (or at least melancholy) songs (the above is not an example of this), I realized something: aside from all the crap going on with me that has me not feeling particularly giddy, something else is a bit off. People that I would pay to leave me alone are ever-present. Maybe even more so than usual, but those with rank seem to be becoming more and more distant. It figures. Welcome to Portia's world. Over the past year...at least, all I've done on here is complain about weird folks that won't leave me the hell alone, or don't get whatever point it is I'm trying to make. I don't say much about those (disregard the implication of pluralnicity [home made word...it’s my page, I can do that fool]) that are handling their business. But right now... umm.
I feel like people that a few seconds ago totally were getting the hang of the Portia thing, you know... figuring out what the fuck is going on in my head, forgot everything they've learned. And it totally isn't fair. I'm not talking birthdays (June 21st dawg) or anything silly like that, I'm talking about me. I feel like people have forgotten what I'm all about, what it takes to make me happy, where my focus is. Ok, ok, not just one person. A few. Even hella close friends that have known me for like forever. People are being very strange lately. Maybe not necessarily strange, but definitely non-traditional. (However traditional something can be when it comes to me). Basically, some really important people are slacking. They are putting forth the effort that is necessary in any and all relationships. Damn, even my mom. Maybe I'm just quickly approaching my pre-birthday moody moment (that I totally don't understand why I have... I'm 21 dude...wtf?)... Yeah, maybe it's me.
Fuck that, I'm not that girl that blames everything wrong thing that’s done by people she cares about on herself. Nah, not Portia. Folks need to stop "slacking on their pimpin.'" (How many pop-points do I get for that???)
Whatever is going on, it isn't cool, and the cell phone contact list is about to get an audit. Be warned.
My ice tastes like fried lumpia. Time to clean out the freezer...again. I need to invest in a deep freezer. Exactly 7 hours until I have to be at work. Just. Freaking. Great. Goodnight tomorrow is Friday! Woo woo!
.: posted by Princess Portia 12:36 AM
Thursday, May 15, 2003
don't look at me
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I probably won't be going to Ukraine because of my stupid JOB. No, not CAREER demands, job demands at this asinine job that I probably won't have for more than another 6 months. This really sucks. But this is how it is when you're not one of those people with mommy and daddy to fall back on financially whenever your pretty little heart desires. I was really looking forward to this trip, and it means a lot to me, but there are just so many roadblocks. These devils I work for wouldn't approve my Leave of Absences, couldn't give me a logical reason, and are creating hella red tape to keep me from taking it over their heads. I basically had the secretary of my bosses boss tell me that I couldn’t speak to him, and my boss or her boss would have to, and if they didn't feel that their boss needed to be bothered with it, he couldn't be bothered with me. And HR is no help. They have this whole "protecting the rights of employees' facade, but they are straight up there to protect the company. I've seen situations where someone had a solid harassment case, and HR, who is supposed to help the employee was the main one trying to downplay crap. I hate feeling powerless, and I totally am in this situation. I never even knew leaves of absence required all of this approval. You learn something new everyday, I guess. I can't wait until I finish school and don't have to deal with all of this crap. I understand that corporate america and its politics are everywhere, but as a freelance columnist (food critic thing, yo) I won't have to deal with it as much... Self-employment all the way, man.
This has totally plummeted my Summer's stock. So what if I turn 21 on the 21st of June. I had an amazing, meaningful, travel opportunity in the palm of my freaking hands and its gone. I haven't officially told the coordinators that I can't go. I don't know if its me being optimistic that something will happen and I'll be able to go, or if I'm just afraid. This sucks. Anyone know of any cool jobs that are flexible with college students, pay well (not college lifestyle well, adult lifestyle well), and don't require me to do much?? lol. Yes, its a damn shame, I want money, I want benefits, and I don't want to work much. At least I'm honest. Hey, let a girl dream. Seriously though. If I have a guaranteed job to come back to starting 6/16, I'll tell this place to kiss my ass, and be in Ukraine as originally planned. You know what? If my mom had a big behind house and wouldn't charge me rent, I would move back in with her an just go to school and work part time. But we're not the fucking Huxtables, so no sale.
I'm so bummed. All of this plus all the other 'personal' crap I'm dealing with right now... not a happy Portia. I should go ahead and get my wisdom teeth pulled out now so I can be miserable and in pain all at once. Kind of masochistic, but very fitting.
I need to go read a book... get wrapped up in someone else's misery, forget mine for a few days...
Oh, by the way, Matrix: Reloaded was awesome.
.: posted by Princess Portia 2:50 PM
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Complacency+Distance=Far
Don't ask. So some cool stuff has been happening, and some craptacular ish as well. Thrilling huh? Yeah, that's my life, thrill, thril, thrill!
So yeah, I feel weird. Not necessarily bad weird, though.There are still some big things in the works, and I'm going through one of my moments when I'm realizing just how big they are. I feel like there should be some prerequisite mini-events before the big one. You know what I'm saying? I didn't think so. Basically, umm nevermind.
Add this to the list of vague, pointless, posts!
.: posted by Princess Portia 3:27 PM
Monday, May 05, 2003
words are words are words are words
You know, I've always been a hella harsh person, and probably will always be in some respect. But it is so amazing to me how much more words can sting when they come from someone you love...
You know, I've been using the cliche` "actions speak louder than words" since my 5th grade student council president campaign, yet I always forget to apply to those around me. I need to learn to give words less power in my life. They're interchangeable, sometime retractable (good ol' aol email recall) and their meaning can always change. Love today could mean nothing tomorrow. Death yesterday could be life today.
.: posted by Princess Portia 6:41 PM
Sunday, May 04, 2003
even worse maybe?
I've been having an internal conflict these last few days. Practical Pessimistic Portia vs. Patient Positive Portia. (Gotta love that alliteration). PPP1 (the pessimist) is I'm sad to say, winning. I have so much to look forward to in the upcoming months, but I just keep doubting that anything is going to work out. Take my trip to Ukraine for example. I still owe tons of money, and the deadline is hella soon. I would hate to wake up June 3rd and get a call saying "umm Portia, we're sorry, but you're a scrub and still owe a G on this trip... maybe next year."
Dude, I have freaking silverfish in my apartment. My mom said they come out of the woodwork. I'm about to do a google, but this is terrifying. (No, I'm not being overdramatic, I hate bugs this much. Anyone know any err cures? (Besides my flip flop against the wall). I will definitely be up all night. There's been two in my room, (same wall) and one in the living room. It isn't safe anywhere. I thought they only hung out in bathtubs. Either way, I don't think I can sleep here.
** it's official, off to my moms. She thinks I'm ridiculous, but a fear is a fear dude. Nitey night. I'll finish my spiel tomorrow.
.: posted by Princess Portia 11:57 PM
Saturday, May 03, 2003
not so good
Today is not a good day. Well, the day itself was ok, but outside of recreational crap, today totally sucked. Stuff that should be falling into place this month totally isn't, and its causing me to seriously question myself, which is not a good thing. I want so bad to be able ot have faith in others, but when I can't keep from letting my own self down, how can I hope for any better from someone else. I'm just really disappointed in the lack of understanding I've had lately. People have come to me with some legitimate concerns, but I haven't been able to see past the negative situation that I will encounter. I know I'm being really f*ed up about this. (They don't know that though because I'm internalizing this stuff). But what good is all this "knowing" and self awareness crap if I don't do anything to improve upon these issues/character flaws. But yeah, I'm selfish and self centered. Not materially, but in other respects.Still. Ok, I don't really want to get too much into that because some other random self centered person (no telling who, there are a lot of us out here!) will read this and think it s about them. Don't ask me how, people that I haven't spoken to in years read stuff on here and come up with some random interpretation to make a post about them. So let me just put this out there :This is about me. Portia, Portia, Portia. Not you.. Heh.
.: posted by Princess Portia 11:18 PM
Is saying something you don't mean, because its the right thing to say considered lying?
I hate when I get that feeling of impending doom or loss. It's never wrong. I hope it doesn't relate to my grades. (I doubt it). Or some of the other "importants" in my life. But something tells me that one of these days I'm going to lose something. I also hope it isn't money. I don't know what that leaves, but umm... I've always hated this feeling because then I feel like I need to go through some sort of preliminary gloom phase. I'm too damn sensitive or something. It just seems that too many really great things have happened lately (of course there's always a side of stress or drama relating to something) but the positives have definitely outweighed the negatives lately. I wish it could stay like that, but this is the "Real World" and you always have stuff to deal with.
I'm worried about this Summer...
.: posted by Princess Portia 12:11 AM
Thursday, May 01, 2003
What?
Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.
I played a couple of sports, but I was also a cheerleader/dancer. And I was in the "geek" classes. Ah well, at least it didn't say I was a slut. Silly....silly quiz.
.: posted by Princess Portia 12:04 AM
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