Sunday, March 30, 2003
sun-less day
song:
mood:
whenever, wherever, we're meant to be together...
I'll be there and you'll be near, and that's the deal my dear...
(Who typed that?)
Florida weather never ceases to amaze me. It was like 50 today. And grey. Yesterday it was ridiculously hot... flu much? I'm deciding whether I'll chill at home tonight or go elsewhere. I don't have to go to work tomorrow... it was a pre-arranged vaca-day. But if I don't end up doing anything, there's no point in me wasting the time off. Sure, I could study, but technically I can do that at work. (Not that I actually will... whenever I take my books to my desk, I rarely end up opening them).
What was I saying? Oh, nevermind... I got a distracting (in a great way) phone call in the middle of this post... later.
.: posted by Princess Portia 9:37 PM
Saturday, March 29, 2003
the spark?
song: Ain't No Sunshine, Al Green
mood: peaceful
Baby just hold me...
Simply control me...
Because your arms, they keep away the lonelies...
What a weekend. (And then some... I know it's been a while since I posted). The defense mechanisms won't allow me to go too far into detail. (Ok, they will, but I’m just not going to). The optimistic side of me says that in my absence I found a keeper..."Mr. Potential" and then some. What did I just say? Umm...never mind. Seriously though, the pessimist in me says that I shouldn't type a damn thing until it's established that all the variables in this equation are on the same page. Cryptic much? What to do? What to do? There’s no telling... I slept a lot this weekend, while still managing to be hella productive. (NOT reproductive...heh, heh, heh). And I smiled excessively. That's all I'm saying. Thank you sooo much Hooka K for hooking me up w/the BG tickets. I owe you one... two… a party lite party even!
Yes... I'm quite aware of the fact that it's 2:35 a.m. My body just reminded me. I'm finally sleepy. I'll elaborate later... or not. I hope important people make it home safely... insignificant people ...oh, never mind... I don't know any of those anymore... how about this: everyone enjoy the rest of your weekend. Hope it's full of sparks, chemistry, and smiles… just like mine. Lates.
.: posted by Princess Portia 10:43 PM
Thursday, March 20, 2003
whirlwind
songs: (well interludes) F*&! You, (some interlude on the old Cam'ron CD) and Never Felt This Way, an interlude form Songs in A Minor.
I don't know whether to grin from ear to ear or cry right now. Some fucktard tried to break into my car when I was at my sister's house. They didn't succeed. But they shattered my passenger side window. (Hey stalkers! This would be the perfect opportunity to break in my car and take some Portia memorabalia! Ugh.) So I'm kind of feeling llike shit about that. Oh... and I'm hungry. But Im' not driving my car anywhere, and I have nothing I want to cook. I'm stuck. This sucks, this sucks, this sucks!
But...
I received an e-mail earlier today, that I couldn't read until just now. I'm glad I saved it, it definitely made me feel better.
Oh, and we're at war. What the hell? THe whole idea is already totally messed up, they couldn't even give it a good name? Ugh.
.: posted by Princess Portia 9:52 PM
Monday, March 17, 2003
still
song: plenty, guru w/erykah,
There are so many thoughts running through my head right at this very moment. None of which relate to the Shakespeare mid-term essays that I must complete before 11 a.m. tomorrow. This is absolutely inexcusable. Will I forever be a procrastinator? But wait, there's hope! There's no feet shuffling (is that how that country expression goes?) in some aspects of my life. I'm trying out that "take no prisoners, live with no regrets" thing right now. And you know what? It feels damn good. I have peace... for once. There's no drama, no stress, no bad anxiety... and you know why? Because I'm finally opening my mouth (hush) and allowing what's inside to come out. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound like I've just had this total revamp... I've got skills, but not like that! However, I do have a more solid idea of what I want in a duet... and it's attainable... all but right in front of me. That's the peace I'm talking about. Seeing, knowing, and having access to what you want.
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. MIne wasn't particularly eventful, but it was mine all the same. I went bowling with the hookas, did some shopping/returning/shopping again, cut off all ties with the demon formerly known as First Union, and relaxed. Oh, and I made more spring rolls. Did I post a pic of my new glasses yet? Oh, that's right, I've been stingy with the pics. Well here you go! If I were anywhere near as studious as I look in that pic right now, I wouldn't be posting. Hmmph. Let's see... while I'm stalling...what else is there? Oh... I only look plastered.... I wasn't... I don't think. I can't remember what time I took that. And Sam says you can't be creative with a web cam. Ha!. Ok... that's two shout-outs to your site. Where are my Milano "Balla" cookies?
Moving right along... I'm having houseguests (ok, only one, but it sounds better in the plural form) next week... yeah, I'm ready. Wait! I just thought about how that could possibly be interpreted. No worries, I won't be in the bed with my guest... they're locking the door. They've heard about the wrath of Portia, I suppose. (Kidding!)
It's 10:00 now. Do You Know Where Your Children Are?. Cool. Me either. All I know is I've done a great job of stalling. I really don't want to be up all night though, so I'm outtie. You know, I went to Walgreens and bought two Starbucks canned espressos, but I was distracted by my need to get $20.00 cash back, so I think I left it there. Damn. Typos will be corrected later. I have to save my editing skills (ha!) for this essay. Lates!
.: posted by Princess Portia 10:09 PM
Sunday, March 16, 2003
Saturday night...midnight. And I'm watching an oyster shucking contest on the Food Network. Portia... this is your life! Boration. (Note: that last word was originally elaboration, but I think I just invented a new word. Swell!)
.: posted by Princess Portia 12:07 AM
Thursday, March 13, 2003
countdown
mood: restless
song: rise and fall, craig david (don't clown)and sting
Every minute that passes is a minute that will never exist again... and it's unlikely that you will remember every significant thing you did with your time. Isn't that scary? Although its an intimidating idea, I still manage to forget...
.: posted by Princess Portia 5:55 PM
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
wed-nes-day
mood: anxious... in a good way
song: Sex n' Candy, Marcy Playground, and Orange Moon, Erykah Badu.
In the first grade that's how I used to have to break it (Wednesday) down to remember how to spell it.
Every single morning I go through an internal conflict. "Do I get up, or do I stay in bed?" I'll just chill there in bed for what feels like 45 extra minutes, all the while I'm trying to think of ways to manipulate the system. You know what ends up happening? I succumb to my monotonous fate, and get my behind out of bed. And just to add insult to the injury that is waking up, it's usually 15 minutes earlier than I had even originally planned to wake up. I hate having to be to work by 7:30 a.m. I don't know how folks do it. I guess you do what you have to do to get what/where you won't. That doesn't mean I won't whine about it...
.: posted by Princess Portia 7:54 AM
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
..."I think I need a cup of tea, 'cause my high is coming down..." -Erykah Badu, On & On.
Something is really wrong. I left "Giddy Portia" at home today or something. At least I know what's bothering me now...(don't ask)
Moving right along...
I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend. I requested Thursday and Friday off, but I'm going to push that back to next weekend. Tiffany is going to have sex in the woods or something like that, and there's nothing going on. I'm sick of this shit. Not wanting to be bothered, but at the same time not wanting to not be bothered. I could always go to the outlets in Orlando; but I wouldn’t be shopping because I need to (hell, even want to), but simply to medicate. It's healthier than drinking or any other herbal activity, but it's also more expensive. And then there's buyer's remorse, which I'm already going through. I have so much shit to take back, but no motivation. It's not like I even have to search for receipts; they're still in the bags.
I was thinking... how in the world can a person be surrounded by people, almost excessively, and still feel totally alone? It never ceases to amaze me... regardless of how many people are calling, emailing, writing, etc., I still somehow feel totally, completely, absolutely with the greatest level of certainty, alone. I don't know if it's my mood today that has reminded me of this or what, but I just feel so incomplete. Not depressed, not lonely (not any more than usual), just not whole. I have a great job, I'm doing well in school, I love my apartment, I have a close-knit family, a best friend better than I could ever expect... so what's up? I even have D on call. (That I don't utilize anymore... I'm past getting down like that). Lot's of people love me, (try not to read that as an arrogant statement...you know what I mean) and I even love a few people back. Better yet, I even have my spirituality. (Note: I did not say religion... I'm not a religious person, simply spiritual). So I don't get it, do I need a new hobby? Should I start back dancing? I think that's what it is... I need a creative outlet. Granted, I do have this, and my offline journal, but maybe the dancing will work. But wait! I cook! I embrace the culinary arts. Good grief, that would be a bit much.
I mean, as far as everything goes in my life, I'm either a.) Doing what I love, or b.) Working towards having the freedom to do what I love. Maybe I've lost my ability to be passionate about things... anything. Maybe I've turned into a human Eeyore... maybe nothing is truly worth being passionate about. Maybe, just maybe, I'm just in a bad mood, and this is all a pathetic rant that I won't even be able to relate to when I read it later. Whatever it is... today sucks.
Tuesday is supposed to be a better day than Monday, but if Tuesday, 3/11 is providing me glimpse of the status of this week, it's only going to get worse. I hope not, but I'm not feeling particularly optimistic about anything right now. I just want to get in my pretty purple portia-bed and disappear...
.: posted by Princess Portia 4:48 PM
---
mood: swingin'
song: The Proud(??), Talib Kweli
The President's a Bush...
The Vice President's a Dick...
so a whole lotta fucking is what we're gonna get.
Why do I bother naming these posts? I mean, I never adhere to the pre-established (by me!) topic, so what's the point? I don't know how it happened, but somewhere between my apartment and work I became somewhat irate. Nothing bad happened, I even received a check ($4.90, woohoo!) and a $5.00 of coupon from Planters/Kraft for my burnt cashews. This morning was quite productive, I got to go get violated by my Gynecologist, and I went to the DMV to get a new Florida ID... both drama-free. So is my current mood a delayed reaction, or what? I'm tired, but not exhausted. I haven't had to deal with any corporate imbeciles (yet). What's going on? It's probably this weather. I'm so over Florida. It's hot; the insurance is high, and the governor sucks. Not to mention that anyone whose anyone lives in New York right now...
My buddy Sam has a website now, go see what he's talking about, since I sure as hell "ain't saying a thing."
The heat in this building is killing me softly... I'll be back later, if the mood permits.
.: posted by Princess Portia 1:43 PM
Monday, March 10, 2003
fusion
mood:argggh...with a side of ahhhh
song: Tell Me, Groove Theory
Mondays suck... Just thought I would offer up that little piece of wisdom.
So it's good 'ol Spring break week, but it doesn't really matter since I'm still right here in Cubicle hell... on the runny kine. I'm ridiculously sleepy today. My brain was running a mile a minute last night... so to keep myself occupied, (and just because I wanted to!) I got all "Abstract Art Portia" on a CD case... I even went to the post office at 1 a.m. At least I was somewhat productive in the midst of my insanity.
Wow, time has gone so fast today. I'll finsih this post later...
.: posted by Princess Portia 5:17 PM
weekend end
mood : perplexed
song: hello, Lionel Ritchie
Whoa. Have you ever been sitting back in your lovely cubicle at work, thinking about the upcoming weekend? Well, like many others, I did that this Friday... in the pre-weekend plans I made, I would never have predicted that this weekend would turn out how it did. I mean that in a good way... I think. Yeah... I do.
Ok...well something that wasn't supposed to happen did... I'm talking hella layers, dude. Ok... so there's this individual that I've been feeling. We'll say for a while now. But there were things about them I didn't know...I hate to say important things... but definitely things I would eventually have to discover. So these "mysteries" were uncovered, and whoa. Now I know this all sounds like it’s probably a good thing. I think it might be, but I don't know. My only concern is that this individual won't realize that my interest and my views on these "unsolved mysteries" are two completely separate things... I would still have one without the other.
Why am I typing this? Ugh. I don't know. I don't sound like Portia. Or maybe I do...Who's typing this?
These defense mechanisms have been brought to you by Colgate!.
So I got all Iron Chef today. I found a new Oriental (that's what it’s actually called) marketplace downtown. They have everything! I mean, they even cook there...it was amazing. I had two failed attempts at partaking in some out- of-the-house recreation Friday and Saturday night. It was still fun though.
Blah, blah, blah. I'm like seriously on (emotional) defrost right now. Not to say that I was an "ice queen" or anything before, but this mess is no joke...
You know how they say growth is never comfortable? (Don't ask me who "they" are...I've just heard that expression before homie) Well, I've always hated that saying... its hella true though. Ouch. OW.
You know that thing that happens when you're falling asleep, and you start feeling like you're falling out of bed or something, and you jump, or jerk, and wake up? I hate when that happens. Strangely enough, I think that’s a good example of how I dealt with my feelings (or lack thereof) towards others in the past. Rather than just closing my eyes and allowing myself to fall... I jump, and am thus brought back to a normal state of consciousness. Tell me then, why haven't I jumped yet? It's terrifying, but amazing. I don't know what to do. I feel so out of control of the situation... it’s like...do I just sit still, make moves, or what? What I don't understand is how I can be terrified but feel fearless at the same time? Damn layers. It's like a freaking J-Lo song...I hate to admit it, but it’s stuck in my head. Maybe that was a bad analogy...it makes sense to me, and that's all that matters.
I bought a CD Burner on Saturday. After much drama, it’s installed and I'm not making wonderful CD's. You too can have your own special Portia-Mix. Only 3 easy payments of 64.99. What a deal!
You know, when I started this post...there was a point. I lost it somewhere along the way... I hate when that happens... but I think I found something else in the process. I hope everyone's week is as drama-free and wonderful as my weekend was. Woohoo! Spring Break!
.: posted by Princess Portia 12:44 AM
Thursday, March 06, 2003
finished yet?
mood: chill
song: all this love, Debarge
In an effort to avoid turning on my A.C., I've been forced to resort to drinking sweet frozen drinks to cool off. Oh...this tortuous role I've been given in the play of life...just do away with me now! Viva la Mexico! Oy!
Speaking of heat... I want desperately to... hold on... stop thinking nasty. I know you are!
Ok, so I want desperately to go back to Key West. The trip there last April was amazing. Or maybe it’s just that I'm itching to be anywhere that isn't Tampa. I'm still faced with the predicament of determining exactly what locale I'm going to bless with my presence. No one I want to see feels like being bothered, and those that I have zero interest in seeing are extra-available. But you know what? If the situation was any different, I would be concerned. It would mean I woke up in someone else's world...because things never flow that smoothly for me. Speaking of heat... I want desperately to... hold on... stop thinking nasty. I know you are!
There's a stupid question I'm constantly getting asked. "Why are you single?" It is usually preceded with some lame line/in genuine compliment, but that's the meat and potatoes of it. I detest that question. First of all, I'm only 20 years old. I should be focused on setting goals for my future, and working to achieve them. Not worried about what pretty face is always seen in the same room as mine. Personally, I think it's an unhealthy attitude to define who you are by your significant other...or lack thereof. This is not to say that relationships are a bad thing, but there's a season for everything. And it's not my season... and I'm not sitting alone in my room curled up in fetal position in the middle of my bed, waiting for that season to come. I'm living, learning, and most importantly, loving it. I mean, of course, if Mr. Just for Portia knocked on my door tomorrow (as long as he called before he came...heh heh), I wouldn’t say, "Oh, hey cutie, I'm sorry, I can't let you in... I'm busy." Hell no. But I'm also not going to be sitting on my porch waiting to greet him before he even gets to the door. It doesn't work like that.
What’s even worse is some of the ridiculous responses some women give back: "There ain't no good men." "I don't need a man." "All I need a man for is sex and money." Ummm like no and stuff! There's absolutely nothing wrong with being independent and self-sufficient, but at the same time, I truly believe we weren't meant to run this race alone, which is why we have friends and lovers. Drama ensues when people begin to operate with the mentality that quantity holds more weight than quality. It's all about the quality folks. Q-U-A-L-I-T-Y. If someone wonderful meanders into your life...don't let that person pass by. They walked in your direction for a reason. So to answer the question... "Why are you single Portia?" I'll put it like this: my first priority is self-improvement. When I do come across "the one" I want to be at my best for them...and vice versa. I believe that when things are happening in the right season, it's effortless. (Well maybe not completely, but I think you know what I mean). There's a peace there. When that peace is felt mutually between me and "Mr. Potential" I'll move to the next step. I just feel that after high school, the whole just dating thing is unhealthy and is more damaging than beneficial. I won't date to find my "mate" I'll just trust that when its right, I'll feel it...and that will be it. Oh...thanks for asking by the way :o)
.: posted by Princess Portia 10:18 PM
think about it
How long is too long for your hearts desires to remain just that...desires? When is patience no longer a virtue? Are you able to spot the very thin line between settling and compromise? Think about your answers. That's all... for now.
.: posted by Princess Portia 4:07 PM
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
mello smoooooooth
Has anyone ever asked you something that left you like.. "What's about to happen?" I hate that... immensely. It's actually hot in my house. What is this world coming to? I'm sorry, I have to turn the air on though, I can't have any of Tiffany's MOOOLD coming up in this piece. It feels somewhat eerie having absolutely nothing to turn in tomorrow. No quizzes, essays, group work, anything. I should go out. I don't know though..I have yet to reach the level of "gangsta" required to partake in mid-week recreation and still function normally until the close of business Friday. So I need to figure out somewhere I can fly by the end of the day tomorrow. I have like nowhere to go. I could go visit one of my best male friends, but his Spring break isn't until the last week of the month, and I'm not just trying to chill up in someone's apartment in the country. Ho hum...I'll figure something out. Any suggestions?
.: posted by Princess Portia 10:01 PM
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
it never fails
The ish that just happened to me was so ridiculous I had to come to the computer lab to post about it...while it was fresh in my mind...
Ok, so answer something for me. Why, on a campus of say...10-20 thousand (I don't know the actual numbers) do I manage to attract all of the men over 33? Just a few moments ago for example...when I was crossing the street from the parking lot to the library I saw this dude make a double take and break out into a kool-aid grin as he looked at me. (Note: I'm not looking particularly homely today, but I didn't get all "beauty queen" to come to school either). So I think nothing of it, this happens when you're not an unattractive female. So I go in the library, (automatic door) and guess who's there holding the (non automatic) door for me? The star of this story... (Heh). So I hustle up to the door (I'm like 30 steps away, and I feel bad that he's still holding it...at this point I didn’t know there was a method behind his madness...I thought he was just being polite...silly me), walk through, smile, and say "thank you." So as I'm walking to reserved books area, I hear him walking quickly behind me, and he catches up and says, "excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but you know I have to ask..." and I'm like, "oh, umm hi, what did you want to ask?" (Side note...the keyboard I'm using is so stiff...feels like someone did something nasty on the keys...ewww) Ok, so he's like, "you are amazing. I just had to tell you that...your beauty is astounding...I just wanted to know, where is the man that is caressing that beautiful face and massaging those pretty feet at night?" So now I'm thinking "whoa, what's this all about." I mean, old boy was a cutie...he had the Tyson chinky eye thing going on...but more about that in a sec. So I'm smiling, trying not to laugh, and I say "oh, I don’t have one." To which he replies "WHAAAAT? Come on now...as beautiful as you are?" HE proceeds to violate all kids of space bubble laws and stare at my face and walk around me commenting on my cheekbones, my eyes, and etc." And then he's like, "so no one is kissing those beautiful lips?" (I was tempted to be a smart ass and ask "which ones?" but I exercised self-control). So I just say, while trying not to laugh/blush/giggle "nope, no one." And he's like, "Wow...well can I submit my resume? It's important that you know that I'm approaching you with only honorable, passionate intentions" *this is when I knew he wasn't American...it was starting to sound like lines from an Eric Jerome Dickey novel. * So I'm like, "well, I'm accepting applications, so you can submit one, and you'll be contacted if I have any positions available for you." (Yes...I got that good game...heehee). So he's all like still staring at me and stuff...then he starts talking about how "luscious" my lips are, and how, "though I mean no disrespect, I'm overwhelmed by the attraction I feel towards you." And I'm all like "umm, ok...thanks..." So he asks me my name, so I tell him, and he's like "is that your stage name?" *I HATE when people ask me that! So I tell him no, his name was Chris. So he asks how he can contact me...I tell him to give me his number and if I get so inspired (read: drunk) I just may remember this "charming conversation" and call. He’s not having it, he says "but my dear Madame, (who SAYS stuff like this? Dude, my Shakespeare class isn't until 11) I don't know if I'll make it if I don't hear from you soon, may I have the honor of receiving a number where you can be reached?" So I ask, "How old are you Chris?" He says "how old are you?" (Guys, don't do this...it's ugly and automatically makes it look like u have the potential to lie about your age). So I tell him "I'm only 20 dear." (I love throwing in the 20...heh). So I ask again, "How old are you?" He does a big blink (stalling) and says, "Well my dear, I'm much older than I look." So I say, "40?" He's like, "well no! Not that much older! I'm 34." Now you see...this shit kills me. Now I might have given him my number simply because he made me laugh with his "a midsummer’s night dream" approach, but nope! So I'm like, "oh...well...ok...it was nice meeting you...I have to get to the computer lab for an online quiz." (I'm trying to walk away before he starts with the old man disclaimers...but I don't succeed. "Portia...what about your number? I can tell you're a mature woman that doesn't like drama or stress...and I'm just that...I want to take care of you...paint those pretty little toes (I don't know whose feet he was looking at! Little? I wear an 11, dude), and brush that lovely hair. So I'm like, "well Chris, I have your number...I'll possibly be in touch....bye!" Grrr. Damn old men. (No offense to any of my mature readers/friends/etc.) Well. None of you are 34...maybe close, but you know what I'm saying...arggh. But it was funny. I’m not really mad... it was funny.
Oh...and I Aced my sex exam...in 10 minutes. Tiffany says I'm officially a sexpert, and should change my major...I'll post (and edit) more when I get to work. Lates.
.: posted by Princess Portia 9:07 AM
Monday, March 03, 2003
ahhhh
Let there be peace on Earth! And let it begin with me! My weekend was way more unproductive than it was supposed to be. It was still great though. I've developed a love for boxing. Whathisface that is now the heavyweight champion man kicks hella booty. Not to mention he's sexy (aside from the bad skin) in clothes.
So I'm dropping this 20th century class like a hotpocket with the boiling sauce leaking out. This ish just isn't going to cut it. It's not that the material is too hard, it's just that he managed to pick and choose every single piece of literature, music, and art that I have absolutely no interest in. How the hell am I supposed to write a 2200 word personal response on 2-4 works that did nothing for me? I'm not talking they just bored me...I've come to terms with the fact that I won't enjoy every piece of literature that I encounter in my college career, but I'm talking straight up makes me nauseous it's so uninteresting. The crap he had us read wasn't even uninteresting in an abstract sort of way...it was cut and dry dull. And my head was about to explode.(Hush!) So, Professor Johnson will not be graced with the presence of Portia or her 2200 personal (b.s.) response this or any future Monday nights. Woohoo! I feel so at peace with this decision, too! Not to mention that I abhor Monday night classes. Almost as much as any 8 a.m. class that isn't my sex class. Oh yeah...I have a test in there (again) tomorrow. Time for more studying! Heh, heh, heh. So now I can go to the gym tonight, do a little bit of writing for my Shakespeare essays, and chill.
I kind of wish I had reached this class-dropping revelation Friday afternoon. Would have saved me from doing some strange things to avoid this paper over the weekend. I'm talking multiple trips to the produce market 3 miles from my house, 2 pedicures, I relaxed and wrapped my hair, did my eyebrows, naired my arms, took 3 baths, slept away from home, made jello shots, gave Penelope a bath, re-alphabetized my in-house CD case, organized my bar, etc., etc., etc.... Yes, it was that deep. I know that if I stayed quiet and still for too long, I would feel bad about my paper-avoidance, and start working on it. Well really, my procrastination blood flows freely, so I probably still wouldn't have done too much on it. I even took a nap, went to the eye doctor, got my pupils dilated (can't sit in front of the PC with dilated pupils!), and cooked for a friends potluck.
I love my optometrist. (Is that the doctor one, or the one that fits you for glasses? I'm referring to the actual Dr.). He's so smart and funny. And he cares about my eyes. That’s love right there.
So my glasses will be ready for pick up in two weeks. Reading glasses...I'm excited! They had these really wonderful Kenneth Cole one's, but they weren't on the free rack, so I went with the smart girl Elizabeth Ardens. They're cute. And I'll still have my entire cute/fake smart but not really glasses. But I'll talk more about this glasses thing later.
So yeah, overall, not a bad weekend, not bad at all. Refreshing like a cool, crisp glass of arbor mist on a steamy summer afternoon. That's brisk baby! Jigga Wha? I don't know...I just wanted to type it.
.: posted by Princess Portia 5:05 PM
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